It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

ugly sweater by flickr user n.zastrow

Brett: Are you one of those people who clads themselves in holiday-themed clothing this time of year?

Lori: Nope.  I'm a bit of a real humbug.  I refuse to acknowledge Christmas until December, and I only listen to Christmas music on Christmas Day or when shopping in retail stores and I have no choice.  I like to save up my excitement for the event, not the three months surrounding it.

Brett: My jaw is agape.  I'm speechless.  No "Baby, It's Cold Outside"?  No "Let it Snow"?  No "All I Want for Christmas is You"?

Lori: I like all those song, but I only feel like listening to them on Christmas.  A tuba player I knew in high school used to sing "Baby, It's Cold Outside" with me.  I guess if there's a sing-along, I'm more prone to celebrate.

Brett: Well, I agree that stores start putting Christmas stuff out too early, and I do refuse to do anything Christmassy until after Thanksgiving, but then I listen to Christmas music nonstop.  I feel like each song connects another dot leading to Christmas Day.

Lori: That's a nice way to look at it.  This year I'll try to bite my tongue and just enjoy it.

Now listen to our story...

Expensive Gas by flick user timmothy

Lori: One year for Christmas I bough my mom a ruby necklace.  I don't think she liked it.

Brett: Aww... it's the thought that counts, and I'm sure she couldn't have appreciated it more even if you had gotten crown jewels from a duke.

Lori: Ooh, that could be cool.  How can I hire one of those?

Brett: They're pretty expensive.  You'd probably have to discover oil to afford it.

Lori: Oil?  Next, you'll be suggesting we move to Beverly.  Hills, that it.

Brett: I bet we would fit right in.

Lori: Oh, I'm sure of it.  Except I hear gas is really expensive there.

Brett: Gas is expensive everywhere, you dolt.

Lori: Yeesh!  Didn't mean to grind your gears there!!

Brett: Sorry.  I may have overreacted.

Lori: I understand.  We'd have to pool our resources either way.

Brett: At what point in our lives do you think we'll be able to afford it?

Lori: I'm guessing about retirement age.  We will definitely be over the big hill.

The internet isn't the only series of tubes

Brett: Do you have a favorite ovary?

Lori: Hmm.  I'm right handed, so maybe my left one?  Favorites can change, though, the longer you live.

Brett: Do you think the right one would get jealous if the left one achieved great fame?

Lori: I imagine as long as the left shared the haul of perks, the right could learn to just be happy for it.

Brett: The left one would have to share.  As I understand it, they're connected by tubes.

Lori: I gape at your knowledge of this.

Brett: I chew up all kinds of knowledge.  (But I spit out the rind.)

Just the fax, ma'am

elbow taps with EC by flickr user Jason Van Horn

Brett: I wish I had stuck with piano lessons as a kid.  As it is, I can only plink away.

Lori: Me too!  I can play three songs, two start to finish.  I consider it a quirk.

Brett: Speaking of quirky things, I love your 'new' table.  Next time I see you, I'll give you an elbow tap to celebrate.  (But I should warn you, by elbows are bony.)

Lori: Fantastic!  I hear elbow taps are the new hip thing.

Brett: Elbow taps are awesome.  Have I ever told you about how I invinted the elbow tap?  If not, I'll dial you up and share the story.

Lori: No, I'd love to hear it!!  Give me a few hours, though... I have errands to run.

Brett: It's a pretty intense story.  You might want to go to the doctor first and make sure your aortic valve can handle it.

Lori: Are we talking the kind of intense where I might forget how to swallow and drool in my own lap?

Brett: Oh, it's that intense.  It will make you forget what comes between the a's and the zees.

Lori: Hmm... Lets hold off then.  I don't want to be reduced to communicationg via fax machine for the rest of my life?

Brett: Good call.  That would make me sad.

Lori: Yeah.  I'd be a dud.

Brett: You'd basically be throwing your life in the trash bin.

Lori: I'll check out a mag or two to see if there's an alternative to the elbow story.

Brett: How much do you think a magazine would pay me for the rights to publish the elbow tap story?

Lori: I don't want to hurt your feeling here... but if it is that intense, they probably will pass on the story.

Brett: But it would sell lost of copies because it would tug at people's attention!

Lori: And you could jot down an autograph or two...

Brett: There are many people who would want my autograph after reading that story.

Algae eaters solve many problems

Vintage Wedding Cake Toppers by flickr user Ticklefeathers

Brett: What is the best number of wives to have, do you think?

Lori: Wow.  Might I suggest just one for starters?  See how that goes for you.

Brett: Just one?  I plan on having a lot of fish tanks; who will clean all the algae?

Lori: Just buy some of the fishes that make a meal out of it.

Trough Luck

Trough Luck by flickr user Joe Shlabotnik

Brett: It must be nice to be a girl.  You never have to worry about public restrooms that have troughs instead of urinals.

Lori: EW!  I hope it never comes to that in a ladies room.

Brett: Just a warning: if it does, I'll most assuredly tease you about it.

Lori: This does not surprise me.

Would you buy our book?

The Ambiguously Gay Duo by flickr user Vim Trivium

Brett: Do you remember those SNL cartoons about the Ambiguously Gay Duo?

Lori: Was that SNL?  I'm pretty sure they did something with their fists.  Fight, I assume.

Brett: I believe we owe Stephen Colbert and Steve Carrell for that skit.  But I could be wrong, it's been an eon since I heard that factoid.

Lori: Really?  They're hilarious.  Not gruff at all.

Brett: I could be wrong.  It's not like I know every fact from a to zee.

Lori: Me either.  For example, I just learned that lath is another word used to describe lattice work.

Brett: You should put that nugget of knowledge on ice and save it for a rainy day.

Lori: Knowledge is good for my qi.

Brett: Based on our other conversations, we could fill a tome with what is good (or possibly bad) for our qi.

Lori: It's just for grins and giggles... it's a hard word to use!

Brett: Right.  But maybe we should write that book.  It might vie with some of the other stuff available in the self-help section.

Lori: What if the publishers pass on us?

Brett: Eh, at least we'll have had fun writing it.

Lori: If we put a picture of ivy on the spine of the book, maybe they'll take us more seriously.

Brett: If you're suggesting people might judge a book by its cover...

Lori: Er.....

Penny for your thoughts

SMQ_6713 by flickr user SimonQ錫濛譙

Brett: Do you think dyslexic people wear a blet to keep their pants up?

Lori: That was both hysterical and awesome.

Brett: I did the best I could with a word I didn't know (and couldn't quickly find a definition for).  It's not like I had some easy-to-use word like 'kitty.'

Lori: I was just thinking that!  Brain jinx!

Brett: I wonder if it was brain jinxes that, evolutionarily, gave rise to the bones in your head.  If so, I don't think it worked, because the skull doesn't really protect you from brain jinxes.

Lori: That didn't make much sense.  Do I owe you cash for that thought?

Brett: Just a penny.  At least according to the contract we signed when we were young.  Unless the fact that I couldn't write my name and signed with an ex makes it invalid.

Lori: A ton of lawsuits have been won by folks who signed with an ex, so I'll give you a penny next time I see you.

Brett: The thoughts of what I'll be able to buy with that penny are making me drool.

Lori: Hate to break it to ya, but I don't think you'll be able to buy much.

Brett: Well, poo.

Lori: Oh my God, your reaction was hilarious.

Brett: Well, I would have used harsher words, but I was afraid some little kid would open up the WWC web page and be scarred for life.

Lori: Ah.  Alas, t'would be a grievous err.

Ah, consumerism

Mini Microwave. by flickr user Juppppy

Brett: I owe a lot to the inventor of the microwave.  It's nice to be able to zap something quickly when you get home from work and you're hungry.

Lori: Do they make toy microwaves for kids?

Brett: With the variety of toys these days, it would shock me if they didn't.