The sugar plum fairies live in a van down by the river

Nutcracker 2011_Greater Niagara Ballet Company-289.jpg by flickr user Terry Babij

Brett: Are you a fan of The Nutcracker Suite?

Lori: Oh, yes.  I think ballet is fun to watch.

Brett: I figured you for the type that only like music that required an amp.

Lori: When I was little I wanted to be a lithe beautiful twirling ballerina when I grew up.  I um, I seem to have taken a different life path.

Brett: Well at least you're not living in a van down by the river.

Lori: That would be an unhappy end for me.

Brett: If you were living in a van, I'm sure that would tug at my heartstrings and I'd do whatever I could to help you out.

Lori: Aww.  Good cousin award.  I dig it.  Thanks.

Brett: Well, I'm sure it would go both ways and you'd do the same for me.

Lori: If you ever consider living in a van, my air mattress is available to you instead.  Free of charge.

Brett: That's a nice offer.  I hope it's not a lie.

Lori: Of course not!  You know you're welcome here.  Plus, lying is totally bad for your qi.

Brett: Yep, I know.

Merry Christmas!

RUBANK BOOKS CHRISTMAS MUSIC FOR EVERYONE by flickr user ussiwojima

Brett: What is your opinion of "Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming"?

Lori: I'll have to google that, if you don't mind.

Brett: I guess I shouldn't be surprised you don't know it, since you don't listen to a lot of Christmas songs.

Lori: Well, a lot of them are basically the same kid friendly jingle.  Over and over.

Brett: Sure, there are some annoying ones, but it's not like they're going to give you hives.  You'll survive them.

Lori: I do like the one about fig pudding.  Although I've never had it.  What if it's gross?

Brett: It just says "bring us some fig pudding," it never says we're going to eat it.  So I guess it doesn't matter if it's gross.

Lori: Well it's better than the song that says "No Els."

Good luck tomorrow

SPAM SPAM SPAM by flickr user thepretenda

Brett: Hey, can I borrow some Saran Wrap?

Lori: It probably costs less to buy Saran Wrap than to ship some to you.

Brett: You may have a point there.  So, do you think my plan to use Saran Wrap to build a safe haven from the Mayan apocalypse will work?

Lori: Oh, no I do not.

Brett: Well, then, do you have suggestions on how I can survive the apocalypse?  Lock myself in a cage at the zoo?

Lori: I'm sure there will be havens accepting applications.  You just need a skill, carpentry perhaps?

Brett: I've done some woodworking, so maybe.  I'm also pretty good at cooking ham, but I guess in a post-apocalyptic world it would all be nonperishable food.  But that's okay, I can cook SPAM, too.

Lori: I've never had SPAM before, and the one time I tried to cook ham it was awful.  I make a mean spaghetti, though.  Maybe we can swap recipes?

Brett: Sounds like a plan.  (Assuming the world doesnt end.)

Lori: Such a heady assumption...

Piperphobia

Pied Piper Scarecrows by flickr user Photographic Poetry

Lori: If you ever met a pied piper, would you follow him?

Brett: I don't think I'd have a choice.  Even if he led me barefoot across broken glass, I'd just have to say "ow" and keep following.

Lori: I feel like you should have a vote on whether or not you follow.

Brett: Pied pipers are more like dictators.  They lead you where they want to go, regardless of what you want.  Some of them will even lead you into a maze from which you'll never escape.

Lori: Psh.  Jerks.  I understand why some people fear them.

Five times the rashness

The Glass Quintuplets - st. louis mo by flickr user cmoments

Brett: Do you ever wish you were a quin?

Lori: Nope.  Was that answer too rash?

Brett: On a scale from one to ten, I'd say no, it wasn't too rash.

Lori: Sweet.  Being rash is probably bad for my qi.

Brett: I don't know, I've been rash before, and I kind of dug it.

Lori: You're not alone in that, I'm sure.

Brett: Yeah, it's very popular in certain crowds.

Two thumbs down

Mistletoe and Moonlight by flickr user maorlando-God sustained me 2011 walking w/ me 2012

Brett: What was the last movie you saw that you just hated?  For me, it was Melancholia.

Lori: I just watched a really bad Christmas movie on the Hallmark Channel.  It had the girl from Full House, a grown up DJ Tanner, and I think she was wearing a wig.

Brett: I'll have to check my local listings.  I love movies of that ilk... NOT!

Lori: I'd totally watch it again... you know, after I get struck by lightning.

Whiskers

Mutton Chops Self-Portrait by flickr user mdpmclean

Brett: I've been experimenting with my facial hair recently.  What is your opinion of mutton chops?

Lori: Eh.  They're interesting.  I've always been a girl who had a thing for full beards.

Brett: My full beard isn't very full, so it makes me look kind of creepy.

Lori: Well, beards take practice.  If you can bear the growing out process... I think it could compliment your face nicely.

Learning is a lifelong process

Eevee Tail by flickr user Otterly Amazing

Brett: What's the name of the guy who says "ho ho ho"?  He is pretty famous.

Lori: Yeah he is.  I think he went to classes for it.  You know, how to get famous off of a catch phrase, yada yada yada.

Brett: There are classes for that?

Lori: Sure!  There are classes for pretty much anything now.

Brett: Are there classes in how to grow a tail?  I think that would be cool.

Lori: Maybe?  You probably have to plant something in a styrofoam cup.

Brett: Let's hope so.  I feel like having a tail would be good for my qi.

Lori: Zip on over to your closest community college and ask about their electives.

Brett: Will do.

Lori: Let them know you're there re: the less popular courses.

Brett: No, no, I'm pretty sure that course would be popular.

Lori: I wonder if you get letter scores or if you just take the courses pass/fail.

Brett: Either way, I think I'd do well as long as I didn't skip too many days of class.

Lori: Yeah, we don't want you to get an ef.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

ugly sweater by flickr user n.zastrow

Brett: Are you one of those people who clads themselves in holiday-themed clothing this time of year?

Lori: Nope.  I'm a bit of a real humbug.  I refuse to acknowledge Christmas until December, and I only listen to Christmas music on Christmas Day or when shopping in retail stores and I have no choice.  I like to save up my excitement for the event, not the three months surrounding it.

Brett: My jaw is agape.  I'm speechless.  No "Baby, It's Cold Outside"?  No "Let it Snow"?  No "All I Want for Christmas is You"?

Lori: I like all those song, but I only feel like listening to them on Christmas.  A tuba player I knew in high school used to sing "Baby, It's Cold Outside" with me.  I guess if there's a sing-along, I'm more prone to celebrate.

Brett: Well, I agree that stores start putting Christmas stuff out too early, and I do refuse to do anything Christmassy until after Thanksgiving, but then I listen to Christmas music nonstop.  I feel like each song connects another dot leading to Christmas Day.

Lori: That's a nice way to look at it.  This year I'll try to bite my tongue and just enjoy it.

Now listen to our story...

Expensive Gas by flick user timmothy

Lori: One year for Christmas I bough my mom a ruby necklace.  I don't think she liked it.

Brett: Aww... it's the thought that counts, and I'm sure she couldn't have appreciated it more even if you had gotten crown jewels from a duke.

Lori: Ooh, that could be cool.  How can I hire one of those?

Brett: They're pretty expensive.  You'd probably have to discover oil to afford it.

Lori: Oil?  Next, you'll be suggesting we move to Beverly.  Hills, that it.

Brett: I bet we would fit right in.

Lori: Oh, I'm sure of it.  Except I hear gas is really expensive there.

Brett: Gas is expensive everywhere, you dolt.

Lori: Yeesh!  Didn't mean to grind your gears there!!

Brett: Sorry.  I may have overreacted.

Lori: I understand.  We'd have to pool our resources either way.

Brett: At what point in our lives do you think we'll be able to afford it?

Lori: I'm guessing about retirement age.  We will definitely be over the big hill.

The internet isn't the only series of tubes

Brett: Do you have a favorite ovary?

Lori: Hmm.  I'm right handed, so maybe my left one?  Favorites can change, though, the longer you live.

Brett: Do you think the right one would get jealous if the left one achieved great fame?

Lori: I imagine as long as the left shared the haul of perks, the right could learn to just be happy for it.

Brett: The left one would have to share.  As I understand it, they're connected by tubes.

Lori: I gape at your knowledge of this.

Brett: I chew up all kinds of knowledge.  (But I spit out the rind.)

Just the fax, ma'am

elbow taps with EC by flickr user Jason Van Horn

Brett: I wish I had stuck with piano lessons as a kid.  As it is, I can only plink away.

Lori: Me too!  I can play three songs, two start to finish.  I consider it a quirk.

Brett: Speaking of quirky things, I love your 'new' table.  Next time I see you, I'll give you an elbow tap to celebrate.  (But I should warn you, by elbows are bony.)

Lori: Fantastic!  I hear elbow taps are the new hip thing.

Brett: Elbow taps are awesome.  Have I ever told you about how I invinted the elbow tap?  If not, I'll dial you up and share the story.

Lori: No, I'd love to hear it!!  Give me a few hours, though... I have errands to run.

Brett: It's a pretty intense story.  You might want to go to the doctor first and make sure your aortic valve can handle it.

Lori: Are we talking the kind of intense where I might forget how to swallow and drool in my own lap?

Brett: Oh, it's that intense.  It will make you forget what comes between the a's and the zees.

Lori: Hmm... Lets hold off then.  I don't want to be reduced to communicationg via fax machine for the rest of my life?

Brett: Good call.  That would make me sad.

Lori: Yeah.  I'd be a dud.

Brett: You'd basically be throwing your life in the trash bin.

Lori: I'll check out a mag or two to see if there's an alternative to the elbow story.

Brett: How much do you think a magazine would pay me for the rights to publish the elbow tap story?

Lori: I don't want to hurt your feeling here... but if it is that intense, they probably will pass on the story.

Brett: But it would sell lost of copies because it would tug at people's attention!

Lori: And you could jot down an autograph or two...

Brett: There are many people who would want my autograph after reading that story.

Algae eaters solve many problems

Vintage Wedding Cake Toppers by flickr user Ticklefeathers

Brett: What is the best number of wives to have, do you think?

Lori: Wow.  Might I suggest just one for starters?  See how that goes for you.

Brett: Just one?  I plan on having a lot of fish tanks; who will clean all the algae?

Lori: Just buy some of the fishes that make a meal out of it.

Trough Luck

Trough Luck by flickr user Joe Shlabotnik

Brett: It must be nice to be a girl.  You never have to worry about public restrooms that have troughs instead of urinals.

Lori: EW!  I hope it never comes to that in a ladies room.

Brett: Just a warning: if it does, I'll most assuredly tease you about it.

Lori: This does not surprise me.

Would you buy our book?

The Ambiguously Gay Duo by flickr user Vim Trivium

Brett: Do you remember those SNL cartoons about the Ambiguously Gay Duo?

Lori: Was that SNL?  I'm pretty sure they did something with their fists.  Fight, I assume.

Brett: I believe we owe Stephen Colbert and Steve Carrell for that skit.  But I could be wrong, it's been an eon since I heard that factoid.

Lori: Really?  They're hilarious.  Not gruff at all.

Brett: I could be wrong.  It's not like I know every fact from a to zee.

Lori: Me either.  For example, I just learned that lath is another word used to describe lattice work.

Brett: You should put that nugget of knowledge on ice and save it for a rainy day.

Lori: Knowledge is good for my qi.

Brett: Based on our other conversations, we could fill a tome with what is good (or possibly bad) for our qi.

Lori: It's just for grins and giggles... it's a hard word to use!

Brett: Right.  But maybe we should write that book.  It might vie with some of the other stuff available in the self-help section.

Lori: What if the publishers pass on us?

Brett: Eh, at least we'll have had fun writing it.

Lori: If we put a picture of ivy on the spine of the book, maybe they'll take us more seriously.

Brett: If you're suggesting people might judge a book by its cover...

Lori: Er.....

Penny for your thoughts

SMQ_6713 by flickr user SimonQ錫濛譙

Brett: Do you think dyslexic people wear a blet to keep their pants up?

Lori: That was both hysterical and awesome.

Brett: I did the best I could with a word I didn't know (and couldn't quickly find a definition for).  It's not like I had some easy-to-use word like 'kitty.'

Lori: I was just thinking that!  Brain jinx!

Brett: I wonder if it was brain jinxes that, evolutionarily, gave rise to the bones in your head.  If so, I don't think it worked, because the skull doesn't really protect you from brain jinxes.

Lori: That didn't make much sense.  Do I owe you cash for that thought?

Brett: Just a penny.  At least according to the contract we signed when we were young.  Unless the fact that I couldn't write my name and signed with an ex makes it invalid.

Lori: A ton of lawsuits have been won by folks who signed with an ex, so I'll give you a penny next time I see you.

Brett: The thoughts of what I'll be able to buy with that penny are making me drool.

Lori: Hate to break it to ya, but I don't think you'll be able to buy much.

Brett: Well, poo.

Lori: Oh my God, your reaction was hilarious.

Brett: Well, I would have used harsher words, but I was afraid some little kid would open up the WWC web page and be scarred for life.

Lori: Ah.  Alas, t'would be a grievous err.

Ah, consumerism

Mini Microwave. by flickr user Juppppy

Brett: I owe a lot to the inventor of the microwave.  It's nice to be able to zap something quickly when you get home from work and you're hungry.

Lori: Do they make toy microwaves for kids?

Brett: With the variety of toys these days, it would shock me if they didn't.

What dreams may come

Row row row your boat by flickr user gorpie

Brett: Do you want to sing a song in rounds?  I'll start.  "Row, row, row your boat..."

Lori: Wait, I wasn't ready...

Brett: Okay, we'll try one more time.  So, do you wanna start?

Lori: Let me warm up first... Ah ah ah ah, eh eh eh eh, na na na na naaaaaaa.

Brett: Don't take too long warming up, or I might nod off.  And it's basically a roll of the dice whether I'd sing well right after waking up.

Lori: You'd have 'sleep' cred, so at least you would think you were good.  (See what I did there?  Swapped street with sleep??  Ehh??)

Brett: I see what you did... But I don't think there's such a thing as sleep cred.  Unless maybe if you weave really good dreams.

Lori: At what age do you think your dreams go from random to awesome?

Brett: I don't dream often, so I have no idea.  Maybe something changes in your head when you go through puberty?

Lori: I'm not sure.  I think puberty mostly makes people mope.

Brett: Well, I'd try to find out more, but I feel like researching dreams would end with someone putting a hex on me.

Lori: Oh.  A hex would be very bad for your qi.

Pop quiz

Igloo Festival Montreal by flickr user debounce

Brett: Pop quiz: which is likely to be peatier, a marsh or a back-yard garden?

Lori: I wouldn't normally give that a second thought... but it may depend on the weather.  And the landscaper.

Brett: I think the answer would be the marsh in most cases, but we can at least agree that they're both probably peatier than an igloo.

Lori: You know what would be cool?  Going to a rave in an igloo.

Brett: That would be awesome.  I'd take my jo.

Lori: But don't dive in the water or anything.  That would be way too cold.

Brett: Of course not.  I'll just push my ex in the water if she's there.

Lori: That's mean!  If you're going to push someone, go to your dojo.

Brett: Maybe I just need to calm down.  I should probably watch some fish swim around in an aquarium for a while, that's soothing.

Lori: That sounds nice.  Fish have that certain kind of charm.

Tale as old as time

Wine Goggles by flickr user The Taybor

Brett: Are you a wine drinker?

Lori: I am! I'm having a glass right now.  Luckily I drink at home so I'm in no danger of regretting a wine induced fling.

Brett: But what if there's a beauty at the bar waiting to meet a nice girl?

Lori: That's exactly the problem.  Too much wine can make a beast look like a beauty.  At least temporarily.

Brett: True... I think some bars use that fact to help drum up business.

Lori: And those bars also use the phrase "that's what she said" on a pretty regular basis I bet.

Brett: Well, we all have our sins.  Theirs could be much worse.

Preach it, Lori!

Black Licorice by flickr user FloydSlip

Brett: So, what is the answer to the question?  To be, or not to be?

Lori: Definitely to be.  Who wants to be the guy not being anyway?

Brett: Yo, you speak the truth.  You should go spread the word.

Lori: I'll do it over voicemails... Leave a real message after the beep, if you see what I'm saying.

Brett: I see what you did there.  I have faith that you'll find many converts.

Lori: I love converting people, to various things... it's good for my qi. :)

Brett: Are there incentives?  Like, if you convert 20 people, do you get a jade ring or something?

Lori: I think you get a shot of ouzo in and around Greece.  Not locally, though, which is cool 'cause I don't like things that taste like black licorice.

Brett: Ooh, I like licorice.  If you have anything licorice flavored and I'm near, please share!

Lori: If I could pull it off, I'd send you all the licorice ever made.  Also, the markers that smell like it.  All of it makes my nose wrinkle.

Costumes, costumes everywhere

Photowalk 42 of 52 - Maryland Renaissance Festival by flickr user dm|ze

Brett: I'm trying to figure out what to be for Halloween this year.  Have you ever bared some skin for the sake of a costume?

Lori: I have.  A bone of contention with my brother, too.  It was a costume I bought at a renaissance festival.  I shocked myself.

Brett: I might go to a renaissance festival in a couple weeks.  I'll probably just wear jeans and a t-shirt, though.

Lori: Yeah, I don't think it really matters what you wear.  Are you going to speak in a British accent, though?

Brett: Am I?  Ask me again after I've had some time to practice.

Lori: Be sure to practice a distinctive whine.  British people do that sometimes.

Brett: "Well met.  I like your tie, jolly old chap."  How was that?

Lori: Pretty good.  Try "I quite like your tie," and "pray tell, what is the date today?"

Did we choose to write this blog, or was it our destiny?

This conversation starts out kind of meta, then gives some good advice for job-seekers, then turns into something deep and philosophical.

Kangaroo & Joey by flickr user Rob-Jamieson

Brett: I didn't expect it to accept sanger, and I have no idea what it means.  Maybe it's how someone with an accent says 'singer'?

Lori: This game is strange.  It also accepts sext.  Weird.

Brett: The lesson: try any word once, you never know what they'll accept.

Lori: Like... joey?

Brett: You're smarter than that... You know what a joey is.

Lori: If you had an eye on my letters, you'd know it was the best I could come up with.

Brett: Listen, if you go in for a job interview, nobody's gonna hire you with flimsy excuses like that.

Lori: Well, well... Look at you all hip to the minds of potential employers.

Brett: Well, at least the local ones.

Lori: I see.  I'll jot that advice down anyway, just in case.

Brett: On the other hand, why try at job interviews?  It all comes down to fate anyway, right?

Lori: Depends on who you ask.  Do you think fate runs your life?

Brett: I don't know... I'll just bide my time until someone gives me a definitive answer to that question.

Lori: No one is going to just hand you a tote full of life's answers.

Brett: I know.  That makes me mad.

Lori: Well, you wouldn't want to just wait around for that anyway, right?

Brett: True.  Let me ponder it while I play the uke.

Lori: The uke, eh?  I don't know... Anyone ever bail when you play that?

Brett: Eh, I don't give an ef what other people think of my uke playing.

Lori: I'm sure your confidence charms them anyway.

What's the sexiest letter?

Beard Contest Trophies by flickr user Nick Campbell

Brett: Do you find es sexy?

Lori: If you swap the es with beards... then yes.

Finding the perfect car is all about the options

rail car by flickr user buzzygirl

Brett: The next time you buy a car you should look for one with a horn that plays tunes.  Regular old 'beep beeps' are boring.

Lori: Yes, sir!

Brett: Uh, that was a suggestion, not a command.  It's not like I'm wearing a general's hat or anything.

Lori: Ah, so I'm more like a client than a worker bee?

Brett: Exactly.  It's like I'm a vet, and I'm just giving you advice on your pet.  (Yes, in this example you have a pet car.)

Lori: I'm gonna ace this analogy.  In fact, I do name my cars... so we're in good shape already.

Brett: Awesome.  Just don't get confused and buy a rail car.  Those don't work well on the highway.

Lori: Oh, good advice.  I think as long as I don't purchase a new car under the murk of a foggy night... I'll be okay.

Brett: You'll soar through life if you keep making such great plans.

Lori: Sweet, next up, I'll buy myself a divining rod.

Brett: That should come in handy.

It's a (hypothetical) boy!

Realtor entrance by flickr user afagen

Lori: If you were to have a son, what would you name him?

Brett: I've always liked the name Aaron.  It flows off the tongue so nicely.  "Aaron, bring me a jar of peanut butter!"

Lori: He would totally grow up to sell realty.  Aaron the peanut butter loving real estate agent.

Brett: If being a realtor is what he dreams of, I won't tell him no.

Lori: How about if he wants to take a stab at taxidermy?

Brett: I would just advise him to make sure he has a visa.  From what I understand, the best taxidermists are in such demand that they do a lot of international travel.

Lori: I think you've been misinformed.  Let's try out another career now.

Brett: Maybe he'll be really good at some sport with balls and never need to worry about a real career.

Lori: And you could get the good seats by the dug out??  Always a motive...

Brett: I did think there would be some benefits for me.  But I'd be poring over his stats every day, to see if there was any advice I could offer him.  For his sake, not mine.

Lori: Just try not to be a "stage dad" trying to mop up his fame.

Brett: Me?  I wouldn't do that.  That would be rude.

What's old is new

marshes by flickr user *CA*

Brett:  Hey, why do you think words like yon rarely get used nowadays?

Lori: Hmm.  I don't know!  I like it.  Let's bring it back.  Cad, too.  That's a fun one.

Brett: That would be quite the accomplishment if we could get people to start using those words again.

Lori: It would.  We should also convert quag back from bog to marsh.  Though I'm not sure there are that many marshlands left nowadays.

The key to time travel

Potions Class Cauldrons by flickr user akimbokimono

Brett: Do you ever miss being in your teens?

Lori: I really enjoyed my teens actually.  If we put our heads together, we might be able to crack the time travel code.

Brett: I've always assumed it was some kind of potion: tail of newt, beak of parrot, etc, etc.

Lori: Makes more sense than, say, "hug of a baboon" or something.

Brett: Yeah, if we were making a time travel potion, I'd have to veto that as an ingredient.

Lori: What if we edit the baboon into a puppy?

Brett: Baboon, puppy, whatever, I just don't know how to include a hug when mixing a potion.  Ingredients need to be something tangible, like a wig.

Lori: How about a twig or something found shoved under a stair?

Brett: Those would work.  I'm glad these are ingredients to a potion, because this would taste terrible if we were making food.

Lori: If you torch it, it all tends to taste the same.

Brett: Well, then, why haven't we chowed down yet?

Lori: Alright, let's just go for it.

Word of the day

D words. by flickr user canonsnapper

Brett: Being debrided sounds like the worst thing that could happen to a married man, but actually it's a medical tratment.

Lori: It sounds painful!!  I didn't bother looking up the definition, but it can't be good for ones qis...

Are we funny? Or just funny looking?

Stirring the boiling milk by flickr user Plaid Ninja

Brett: Help me out with the punchline of a joke: What's the difference between pots and pans?

Lori: Um... You can only boil milk in one of them???

Brett: That's probably true.  (Though I've never tried boiling milk in a pan.)  But I'm not sure that punch line would bring me to the fore of the comedy crowd.

Lori: Yes, well... my comedy skills have been a bit lean of late.

Brett: I think you just need a confidence boost.  Here, let me introduce you: "Ladies and gents, please welcome to the stage the funniest person I've ever met, the secret love child of George Carlin and Phyllis Diller, let's hear a big round of applause for Lori!"

Lori: Oh, thank you, thank you... I bet with that intro you're wondering how a child of that pairing grew up?  Well... Ah... Hmm.  I think I need some more practice.

Brett: Well, let's not put you on stage yet, then.  I wouldn't want you to swelter in the spotlight.

Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme

luge_lakeplacid by Clarkson University

Brett: Do you like the summer or winter Olympics better? I think I prefer winter, because
I like watching the bobsleds and luges go down the ice.

Lori: I don’t know that I’ve ever seen that sport. I hope to on the next Olympics now,
though.

Brett: Luge is pretty awesome. Part of me wants to start quoting Cool Runnings, since
bobsled and luge are related, but then the movie would have to be properly cited.

Lori: It would? I think we should discuss the rules of this forum. I’d like to avoid any
WWC fallouts.

Brett: Well, it seems unlikely they’d find out. If they did, maybe they’d be happy with
just a link that implies proper credit. (Which we already do, of course.)

Lori: Of course. For those rare occasions when the reader might not think the same way
we do.

Brett: Well, our readers can’t always think like us. After all, our high level of intellect
would leave most people in a daze.

Lori: Well said! Way to use your head there.

Brett: Oh, cut it out. You flatter me too much.

Lori: So sue me.

Brett: I’ll have my pa do it.

Lori: No, wait. It was just a figure of speech!

Brett: I guess I’ll pass the decision off to my lawyer.

The wonders of technology

parking meter in dc. by flickr user ashley jenkins.

Brett: Here in DC, they have a thing where you can pay your parking meter through an app on your phone.  It's pretty awesome.

Lori: DC life sounds awesome.

Acrophobia

St James' Spire by flickr user Cuth

Brett: Have you ever climbed to the top of a church spire?

Lori: No way!  I'm a little bitty scaredy pants about falling from high places.

Brett: Well, I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable.  Can you stand atop an ox, or does even that height scare you?

Lori: I suppose that depends on the ox.  Is it large, is it tame?  If not I could get stressed.  And stress can cause zits.

Brett: If you bop a zit with a hammer, do you think it would go back into the skin?

Lori: Seems like that would hurt just a tad?

Brett: Act your age and don't complain about minor pains.

Lori: It's a hammer, fool!  No matter your age... oh, it's gonna hurt.

Where have you gone, Mr. Miyagi?

Karate Kid by flickr user Chitra Aiyer

Brett: I've been thinking about taking up martial arts.  Is there a dojo you'd recommend?

Lori: I've never been, sorry.  I did sew a hole up in one of Randy's uniforms once.

Brett: Did he also have a mask, or is that just for fencing?

Lori: No, I don't think he ever had a mask on for karate.

Whatever turns you on

three blind mice by flickr user pipnstuff

Lori: Did you ever learn all the words to ‘Three Blind Mice’?

Brett: Just the first verse. Do you want to halve the rest and teach it to each other?

Lori: Sure! We’re turning in to a really impressive duo!

Brett: I wonder if anyone gets horny from songs like ‘Three Blind Mice.’ There are all
kinds of fetishes out there.

Lori: Can you imagine overhearing that conversation? That would rule.

Brett: I don't know, I might have teared up with laughter if I heard something like that.

Lori: I've heard of fetishes that were far more horrid than that.  But I would probably giggle.

Me and Ewe

1948 MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Vintage Vinyl 7 inch 45 RPM Picture Disc Single For Kids
by flickr user Christian Montone

Lori: You know what would be cute? A sequel song to Mary had a little lamb. It could be
titled “Me and Ewe.”

Brett: That’s an awesome idea. Nobody other than you could do it justice. Start writing.

Lori: I wonder how much time it will take to get it right…..

Brett: I have faith in you. Maybe when you have it done we can record both songs as
duets.

Lori: I’ve always been a fan of duets, let’s make this happen. I think you and I made
Jingle Bells a duet when we were super little, so we’re just getting the band back
together.

Brett: I believe you’re correct. Grandma & Grandpa’s house was always so full at
Christmas, like bees buzzing around a hive.

Lori: A heart shaped hive…. (eh?? eh???)

Brett: Nice. Our hearts were always warmed by all the activity.

Lori: It’s cool we get to have such nice memories.

How do you like your coffee?

Mugs by flickr user ⚓ ✯ Four Eyed Monϟter ☂

Lori: I have a favorite mug for coffee and tea.  Do you?

Brett: Uh... No, not really.  It basically tastes the same from any mug.

Henna

reena's elegant hand with henna by flickr user HennaLounge

Lori: Are you familiar with henna?

Brett: Yep, I think it's great!

Lori: Is it something that would need to be applied daily?

Brett: Nope.  Apply it once and you're home free for a couple weeks.

Lori: Just sit back with a bottle of zin and admire yourself?

Brett: Yep.  If you do it right it dyes the skin even darker than blood.

Lori: Sounds sexy.

Brett: Indeed.  I pity anyone who has never seen it done.

The English language

Dictionary - Collage Art by flickr user Crae's

Brett: Have you ever heard pend used in a sentence?  I've heard pending plenty of times, but never just pend.

Lori: I haven't!  I even checked Merriam Webster and they can't use it in a sentence either.  Mottled is another word that I never hear... except maybe in an art classroom.

Brett: Yeah... Words that don't ever get used vex me.

Saturday Morning Cartoons

Captain Planet by flickr user Chic Blonde Geek

Lori: Did you ever watch that cartoon with David the Gnome when you were little?

Brett: Yeah, but I don't remember too much about it.  I don't want to veer too far off topic, but I really think someone should make a video of an Earth, Wind & Fire song starring Kwame, Linka, and Wheeler from Captain Planet.

Lori: Haha, that would be cool... But you're being a subject hog here, dude.

Brett: Fine, I'll quit talking about it.

Lori: No, no... Tell me, was Captain Planet the only one who flew?

Brett: Yes.  The others used the powers of their rings, but by their powers combined, he came to protect our bowery planet.

Lori: Makes you wonder how this team ever managed to say their good byes.

Grow up

Noah's ark & friends by flickr user weennee

Brett: Do you ever have times where you revert to being a little kid?

Lori: Um.  Sometimes I pout, does that count?

Brett: Kids do pout a lot, but so do adults.  I hear Noah's wife pouted when she found out she was going to have to spend months living on an ark with a bunch of animals.

Lori: Wouldn't you?  I'd be longing for the nearest shore.

Suppertime

Rebel's Mac&Cheese by flickr user tiff.c

Lori: What did you have for dinner tonight?  I ordered za for the roomie and myself.

Brett: I had a BBQ sandwich.  I was so hungry I could've eaten an ox.

Lori: I think you made the right swap.

Brett: Yes, it was good.  They also gave me mac & cheese and potato salad at my hest.

Lori: Ah.  They heed your every word.

Brett: Of course they heed what I say.  I have a lot of clout.

Lori: Liar!!

Brett: You're right.  The net amount they charged me just to let me eat there was ridiculous.

Lori: The fee for mac & cheese can be pretty steep.

Animal impressions

DOVE by flikr user floridapfe

Lori: Did you know that I can pretty convincingly coo like a dove?

Brett: I did not know that.  Do you get eyed suspiciously when you do?

Lori: Yes, but it's probably good for my qi somehow.

Brett: That's good.  You wouldn't want your qi to rot.

At least we can agree it's not a "multi-storey car park"

Paddle Boats on the Tidal Basin by flickr user JaxYeary3791

Brett: You should come visit me sometime.  We could rent paddle boats on the Tidal Basin.

Lori: I would love to visit you!  So many cool museums there.  Any local food we should grab?

Brett: I'm a big Five Guys fan, but they're basically national now.  Warning in case you visit, though: people get confused if you call parking garages "parking ramps."

Lori: I'm confused now.  You call it a parking ramp?

Brett: Am I the only one who uses those terms interchangeably?  Is this going to cause a rift in our relationship?

Lori: I would certainly mourn if it did.  No.  I will learn to accept this quirk of yours.

Don't drink and coupon

coupons by flickr user Mandy_Jansen

Lori: Have you ever watched Exreme Couponing?  Some of their bulk piles are amazing.

Brett: I've not watched.  I'm not even sure I've heard of it.  No offense, but that sounds like a show that will quickly fade into obscurity.

Lori: Oh, no.  I think it's going in its third season already.  One woman shopped for $1200 worth of groceries, and they actually paid her nine dollars to take them out of the store.  Coupons are crazy.

Brett: That is pretty extreme.  Maybe I'll pour myself an ale and watch the next episode.

What's more American than cartoons?

4th of July or Fourth of July by flickr user Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton

Brett: So, were you well fed at your 4th of July celebration?

Lori: I didn't really celebrate.  I went to see Magic Mike.  I was embarrassed by all the biz though.

Brett: I don't know if I'll see it, but don't ruin the ending for me just in case.

Lori: I saw it in a fancy theatre where you get to eat a meal during the movie.  Let me just tell you, the meal was better than the movie.  Just so you know.

Brett: Well, then, I may stay home and watch some toons.

Lori: Toons: they cure what ails ya...

Brett: I wonder if toons have their own fraternity.  Tau Omicron Nu or something like that.

Lori: Ta... Aa... If they don't, they should.

Brett: It would make for an awesome frat.

Thank goodness for cheap labor

10July09 ~ snooze by flickr user g_kat26

Brett: Confession: I've never fully understood the expression "on a wing and a prayer."

Lori: Me either.  Or why wet is always grouped with wild.

Brett: Maybe we should take an ax to the list of commonly used phrases and pare it down to only ones that make sense.

Lori: We'd need weeks for that... there are so many.

Brett: No kidding.  The phrases would be queued up for miles.

Lori: We may be needing to find some people to help us with gathering that info.

Brett: If we go to a college campus, we could probably find a coed or two who would do it if we paid them.

Lori: Haha... Pretty sure college kids would do anything, even fight a cage match, for a buck or two.

Brett: It would be creepy if I mentioned how college kids also often have lithe bodies, so I won't say anything.

Lori: OMG.  That kind of thinking is questionable for your qi.

Brett: Is it bad for your qi?  Give me an hour to think that over.

Lori: While you're thinking... I'm gonna go buy myself a loofa.

Brett: I've never used a loofa myself, but I hear it's one of the great joys in life.  I just hope it's not so nice that you end up spending hours in the shower; that wouldn't be very environmentally friendly.

Lori: No, not hours.  I would be sent away by my roommate for hogging the bathroom.

Brett: That would suck.  You'd have to find a new roommate and settle into a new groove.

Lori: I don't wanna.  This one lets me doze through the alarm twice before yelling at me.

Brett: How long is the snooze on your alarm?  I think mine does tenths of an hour.

Lori: I think it's nine minutes.  Did you ever make an ash tray out of pottery when you were in school?

Brett: I think I might have.  Doesn't that seem weird?  There's a vast assortment of things that can be made from pottery, and schools choose the one that is assocaited with a health risk.

Lori: I know, right?  I don't get it.

Brett: We should start a campaign to change that.  We could get some of those college kids we're gonna hire to tweet about it.

What's slower than slow?

Cigarette smoke by flickr user raphael.ribeiro

Brett: What's slower than slow?

Lori: Being of the more intelligent gender, I would propose dead still as the correct answer.

Brett: I was going to say a pic of someone smoking a cig.

Lori: I've thought this over, but my gut is still telling me that your answer makes no sense.

Brett: Lower your ire.  I'll admit that your answer was better than mine.

Lori: I'm sorry.  I'll dock my ire.  Will there be dire consequences?

Brett: Nothing too dire.  I'm not gonna cut off your beak or anything.

Lori: Such a pal.  Thanks.

Fashion advice from Words With Cousins

furs by flickr user Alida's Photos

Brett: What's your opinion on goth?

Lori: How do I answer that one?? I, um, have no strong feelings about it.

Brett: Of course you don't.

Lori: What's that supposed to mean, ya git?!?!?

Brett: You know what I'm talking about, I don't need to pin it down for you.

Lori: Question, can I reuse my previous opinion, or do I now owe you a new one?

Brett: I feel like you should offer something new, but just a dab will do.

Lori: Okay then, I'm a little fed up with it, because I feel like its time has passed.  Your turn now, what is your opinion on wearing fur?

Brett: I feel it is an oft controversial fashion statement.  I have no problem with it, but if you're going to wear it you shouldn't be surprised if someone tries to swat you or throw pins at you.

Lori: I'm surprised it doesn't rub you the wrong way!

I think a fez would make a pretty cool award

World's Greatest Uncle Award by flickr user monkeysox

Brett: Do you prefer carpet, wood, or tiled floors?

Lori: While I'm sure hardwood is leading the pack for most, I prefer carpet.  It's more comfortable and cozy.

Brett: I respect your reasoning.  I'll never force you to live in a place with hardwood floors.

Lori: Well that news fills me with a modicum of glee...

Brett: The nice thing about hardwood, though, is that if you oil it up real good, you can slide around in your socks and underwear like Tom Cruise.

Lori: I prefer the motorcycle 'dance' that the Shriners do in parades... in their cute little fezes.

Brett: Where's the last place you saw a parade at?

Lori: Drat... I can't actually remember.  You?

Brett: Since I have nieces and nephews, I've been to parades fairly recently... If you wait a while, I might figure out where the last one was.

Lori: Awww.  You should get an award for being such a good uncle.

Brett: Like a plate of surf 'n' turf?

Lori: I guess, man.  If that's the sort of thing that rotates your rotor.

Brett: Actually, I don't like seafood.  Just trying to get an idea of the value of this award you're proposing.  I'd be happy with a used copy of a good book.

(Lori swapped 3 tiles)

Brett: In any case, I better jot down some remarks in case I need an acceptance speech.

Lori: I've been trying to think of a suitable prize for being a good uncle, and came up with nada.  I mean... we have amazing uncles, and that's (wait for it) priceless.  (Cue the audience 'aww' sound-bit here.)

Brett: I'm sure they know how much they're appreciated.  If nothing else, they've probably heard it through the grape vine.

Lori: I bet your sis told them.

Brett: Yeah, she just can't quit doing things like that.

Lori: Well... I hope she let them know they're worth rave-ing about.

Brett: I think she used that exact phraseology at least ten times.

Lori: Ha.  Nerd.

Brett: Wait, I'm a nerd for using 'phraseology' or she's a nerd for repeating something ten times?  Because I think it's just a nervous tic on her part.